Second Love Language: Devoting Time

I had to know Betty Jo's primary love language from the beginning, what she was saying that spring night when I visited her and Bill in Little Rock. She was saying, "Bill is a good breadwinner, but he doesn't spend any time with me. What good is the house and the nice car and all the other things if we don't enjoy them together?" What did she want? She wanted private time with Bill, and she wanted his attention; She wants him to focus his attention on her, to give her some of his time, and to participate in doing some things with her. And by “private time” I mean giving someone your full attention, and I do not mean that you sit on the couch and watch television together; When you spend time this way, it is ABC or NBC that gets your attention, not your husband or wife. What I mean is that you sit on the couch, with the TV turned off, looking at each other and talking, and giving each other your full attention. This means exercising together. Alone, or to go out together and eat and look at each other and talk. Have you ever noticed in a restaurant that you can always distinguish between married people and engaged people? Engaged people look at each other and talk together, while married people sit and stare at each other. Aspects of the restaurant, you might think that they only came to the restaurant to eat! When I sit with my wife on the sofa, and give her twenty minutes of my full attention, and she does the same with me, each of us gives the other twenty minutes of life, and we cannot get these minutes back again. ; Each of us gives our lives to the other, and this is a strong emotional connector to love. One treatment cannot cure all diseases, and in my advice to Bill and Betty Jo, I made a big mistake; I assumed that the words of encouragement would affect Betty Jo as much as they affected Bill, and I hoped that when they said appropriate words of encouragement to each other, the emotional climate of their married life would change, and they would both begin to feel loved, and this was true for For "Bill"; He started to feel more positive about Betty Jo, and started to feel real appreciation for his hard work, but it didn't work out with Betty Jo; Because words of encouragement were not her primary language of love. Rather, her language was dedicating time. She picked up the phone again and thanked Bill for his efforts over the past two months. She told him that he had done a good job of strengthening Betty's confidence, and that she had heard all of those words. But he said to me: “But, Dr. Chapman, she is still somewhat sad, and I don’t think things are going well for her.” So I said to him: “You’re right about that, and I think I know why. The problem is that I suggested the language of love to her.” “Wrong,” Bill did not understand the vague idea I meant, so I explained to him that what makes one person feel romantically loved is not necessarily the same thing that makes another person feel emotionally loved. He agreed with me that his language was words of encouragement; He told me what those words had meant to him when he was a boy, and how much he had felt when Betty Jo expressed her appreciation for what he had done. She explained to him that Betty Jo's primary language was not words of encouragement but dedication of time, and she explained to him the idea of giving someone a gift. Your full attention, not to talk to him while you are reading a magazine or watching television, but rather to look at him directly and give him all your attention, and to do something with him that he enjoys with all his heart. He said to me: “It is like going with her to a symphony concert.” I can say that the lights are starting to come back on. To Little Rock. "Dr. Chapman," he added, "that's what she was complaining about. Then I always didn't do anything with her, didn't spend any time with her, and she used to say, 'We used to go places and do things before we got married.' "But now, you're always busy." So this is her love language, there's no doubt about it, but what am I going to do, Dr. Chapman? My job requires me to do that. So I said to him, "Tell me about your job?" And during the next ten minutes, He explained to me his progression through the career ladder in the company, how hard he worked at his work, and how proud he was of his accomplishments. He told me his dreams for the future, and that he knew that in five years, he would be in the position he wanted for himself. So I asked him, “Do you want to be in this position on your own?” Or do you want to be with Betty Jo and the kids? "I want her to be with me, Dr. Chapman, and I want her to enjoy it with me. That's why it always hurt me so much when she criticized me for spending all my time at my work. I do it for all of us, and I wanted her to be a part of this success, but she always... Don't be too negative." I asked him, "Are you beginning to understand, Bill, why she was so negative? Because the language of love for her is devoting time, and you gave her so little time that her love tank became empty, and she no longer... She feels secure in your love, and that is why she was criticizing what takes up all your time in her view, which is your work. In fact, she does not hate your work, but she hates the fact that she only feels a little love from you. There is only one solution, Bill, and it is expensive, and it is You must devote some of your time to Betty Jo. You must love her with the right love language." "I know you're right, Dr. Chapman. Where do I begin?" . “Do you still have your little notebook? The one where we wrote down a list of positive things about Betty Jo?” "That's a good thing. Now we're going to write another list. What are the things you know that Betty Jo wants you to do? Things she's mentioned over the past years." And this was Bill's list:

• To take our fancy car and go on vacation. Weekend in the mountains (sometimes we take the kids, other times we go alone).
• To meet her for lunch (at a nice restaurant or even at McDonald's).
• To bring a babysitter I invite her out to dinner, just the two of us. When I come home at night, I sit and talk to her about my day, and I listen to her talk about her day. (She doesn't want me to watch TV when we try to talk.)
• That I sit with the children for a while, and talk to them about what they are encountering at school.
• To play with the children for a while.
• To go for a walk with her and the children on Sunday, and I do not complain about ants and insects.
• To spend a vacation with the family at least once a year.
• To go out for a walk with her, and to talk while we walk, (and not to walk alone).

He said Lee: “These are the things I talked about over the past years.” “You know what I'm going to suggest, Bill, right?” He said: “I will do it.” “That's right, do it once a week for the next two months, but how will you find the time for that?! I know you will be able to find it. You are a wise man, and you would not have reached where you are if you were not good at making decisions. You have the ability to make decisions.” “Make plans for your life, and you will be able to put Betty Jo in your plans.” “I know I can do it,” he said. "It shouldn't affect your career goals, Bill. It just means that when you're at the top, then you'll have Betty Jo and the boys with you." . “This is what I want more than anything else. I want her to be happy, whether I am on top or at the bottom, and I want to enjoy life with her and the children.” Years passed, and “Bill” and “Betty Jo” reached the top, and then he began from Zero again, but the important thing is that they did it together, and the boys left the nest, and Bill and Betty Jo agreed that those years were the best years of their lives ever. Bill became very fond of symphony concerts, and she wrote: Betty Jo, in her little notebook, had a very large list of things she appreciated about Bill, and he never tired of hearing those things. He had now opened his own company, and was about to reach the top again, and his work was no longer a threat to Betty. Joe, she is passionate about his work and encourages him; Because she knows that she is first in his life, her love tank is full, and she knows that if it starts to run dry, a simple request on her part will get Bill's full attention.

Connectivity

Connectivity is an important aspect in devoting time, and by that I do not mean spatial proximity. Two people who sit in the same room are close together, but this does not mean This is necessarily the case that they are both together. Awareness means complete concentration. When a father sits on the ground and rolls the ball toward his three-year-old son, his attention is not focused on the ball, but rather on the child. And this short moment, no matter how long it lasts, they are together, but if the father is talking on the phone while he is throwing the ball, his attention is distracted. Some husbands and wives think that they are spending their time together, when in fact they are only living close to each other, they are living in the same house, At the same time, but not together. The husband who watches sports on TV, while talking to his wife, is not devoting his time to her; Because he does not give her his attention. Devoting time does not mean that we should spend time staring into each other's eyes, but it means that we do something together and give the other party full attention, and the activity that we practice together is simple, but the important thing from an emotional standpoint is We spend focused time with each other, and this activity is only a way to generate a feeling of togetherness. The important thing for the father who is rolling the ball for the little boy is not the activity itself, but the feelings that arise between father and son. Likewise, if a husband and wife who play tennis are truly private, they will not focus on the game, but rather on the fact that they are spending time together. It happens that the emotional level is what matters. Spending time together on something in common leads us to care about each other, enjoy being together, and like to do things together. Private Conversation The language of dedicating time, such as words of encouragement, has many dialects, and one of the most important dialects in the language of dedicating time is private conversations, and by private conversations I mean emotional dialogue; Where two people exchange their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in an ongoing intimate context. Most people who complain that their life partner does not speak to them literally mean that he does not say a word at all. Rather, they mean that they rarely engage in emotional dialogue. If... Your partner's language is devoting time. Such dialogues are very important for his emotional sense of being loved. A private conversation is a little different from the first love language. While words of encouragement focus on what we say, private conversations focus on what we hear. If I were to share love with you by devoting Time, and we will spend time chatting; This means that I will focus on talking to you, listening carefully to what you say, and I will ask you not to bother you, but with a real desire to understand your thoughts, feelings and desires. I met “Patrick” when he was forty-three years old, and he had been married for seventeen years, and I remember him; Because his first words were so moving, he sat down on the leather chair in my office, and after talking about himself a little, he stepped forward and said passionately: “Dr. Chapman, I have been a fool, a fool indeed?” So I asked him: “What led you to this result?” He said: “I was married for seventeen years, and my wife left me, and I realize now how foolish I was.” So I repeated my original question to him: “How foolish was I?” He said to me: “My wife would come back from work and tell me the problems she faced in her company, and I would listen to her, and after that I would tell her what I thought she should do, and I would always give her advice, and I would tell her that she should face her problems, and I would tell her that the problems It will not be solved on its own, and you should talk to those involved in these problems, or with your supervisors, and you must deal with these problems, and come from work the next day and tell me the same problems, so I ask her if she did what I advised her to do the day before. She shakes her head and says no, so I repeat the same advice to her, and tell her that this is the only way to deal with this situation. She comes home the next day and tells me the same problems, and I ask her again if she did what I advised her to do, and she shakes her head and says no. And after repeating That was for three or four nights. I started to get angry, and I told her not to expect any sympathy from me if she did not take my advice, and that she did not have to live under these pressures and tensions, and that she could solve these problems simply if she did what I advised her to do. It hurt me to see her living under all These pressures; Because I know she doesn't have to, and when she talked about the problems again, I said to her: "I don't want to hear about these problems again. I told you what to do, so if you don't want to take my advice, I don't want to listen to these problems." Again.” He added: “I was withdrawing and focusing on my work. How foolish I was, how foolish I was! I now realize that she did not want my advice when she was telling me about her suffering at work, but rather she wanted my sympathy. She wanted me to listen to her, and to attract my attention.” And for her to know that I can understand the pain, pressures, and tensions that she lives in, and she also wanted to know that I love her and stand by her; she did not want advice from me, but rather she just wanted to know that I understood that, but I did not try to understand that at all, as I was busy. “All the time giving advice, how foolish I was, and now you have left me.” He wondered, “Why can’t a person see these things when he goes through them? My eyes could not see what was going on, and now I truly know how much I let her down.” Patrick’s wife was in desperate need. To a private conversation, from an emotional standpoint, she was waiting for him to pay attention to her with all his being, to listen to her pain and frustrations, and “Patrick” Breed did not want to listen, but rather to talk. He was listening enough to know the problem and find a solution to it. He was not listening. Enough for him to realize her need for support and understanding. Many of us, like Patrick, have been trained to analyze problems and find solutions for them, and we have forgotten that marriage is a relationship, not a project that must be completed, or a problem that must be solved, and it is a relationship that requires listening coupled with empathy. To understand the other party’s thoughts, feelings, and desires, we must be prepared to give advice, but only when it is asked of us, and we do not give it out of kindness. Most of us have not had much training in listening, but we have great competence in thinking and speaking, and learning to listen may be just as difficult as that. A person learns a foreign language, but we must learn it if we want to express our love to the other party, and this is especially true if your life partner’s primary language is devoting time, and his dialect is the private conversation; Fortunately, I have written many books and articles about developing listening skills, and I do not want to repeat what was written anywhere else, but I will suggest the following summary of practical advice: 1. Make sure that there is eye contact when you talk to your partner; This helps your mind not get distracted, and conveys to the other party that you are giving them all your focus. 2. Do not listen to the other party and do something else at the same time, and remember that devoting time means giving someone your full focus; If you are watching TV or reading a newspaper or doing anything else, and you are very interested in this thing and you cannot turn away from it immediately, tell the other party the truth. You can do it this way: “I know you are trying to talk to me, and I care about this. But I want to give you all my attention, and I can't do that right now, but if you give me ten minutes to finish this, I will sit with you and listen to you." Most husbands and wives will respect such a request. 3. Listen to feelings. Ask yourself: “What does the other party feel?” And when you ask yourself, you will reach the answer, be sure of that; For example, when you say: “It seems to me that you feel frustrated because I am”; This gives him the opportunity to clarify his feelings, and also expresses to him that you are listening carefully to what he says. 4. Notice the body. The clenched hand, the trembling hands, the tears, the arched eyebrows, and the movement of the eyes may give you indications of what the other party is feeling. Sometimes language sends The body is a different message from the message conveyed by speech, so you must ask him to clarify that until you are sure that you really know what he is thinking or feeling. 5. Refrain from interrupting, as new research has shown that a person listens on average for only seventeen seconds, before he listens. Interrupts or presents his own thoughts. If I give you my full attention when you speak, I will stop defending myself, accusing you, or imposing my point of view; The goal is to discover your thoughts and feelings, not to defend myself, or to push you to speak directly, but my goal is to understand you.

Learn how to talk

Private conversations require not only sympathetic listening, but also a display of personal personality. When a wife says: “I hope you... My husband talks, I don’t know at all what he is thinking or feeling.” She feels a strong need for intimacy, and wants to feel close to her husband, but how does she feel close to someone she doesn’t know? In order for her to feel loved, he must learn how to He reveals himself to her. If her primary language is devoting time, and her tone is private conversations, then her emotional love tank cannot be filled until he tells her about his thoughts and feelings. Self-expression is not easy for some people; Most of us were raised in homes where the expression of thoughts and feelings was not encouraged, but those who did so were condemned. If the child asks for a toy, he receives a lecture about the poor financial situation of the family, and the child returns feeling guilty. Because he had such a desire, and he quickly learns not to express his desires again, and when the child expresses his anger, his parents deal with him harshly and with words that make him feel guilty, and thus the child learns that expressing feelings of anger is not a good thing, and when we make the child feel guilty for expressing Feeling frustrated at not being able to go with his father to the store, he learns to suppress his feeling of frustration within himself, and over time we reach adulthood, and most of us have learned to suppress our feelings, and not be in touch with the emotional side of us. When a wife says to her husband: “How do you feel? About what Don did? The husband replies, “I think he was wrong. He should have done this.” He does not express his feelings, but rather expresses his thoughts, and he may have a reason to feel anger, pain, or frustration, but he lives in a world of ideas that does not acknowledge his feelings. When he decides to learn the language of private conversation, it will be for him like learning a foreign language, and he must The beginning is by being in touch with his feelings, and realizing that he is an emotional creature despite the fact that he has denied this part of his being. If you want to learn the language of private conversations, start by observing your feelings outside the home, keep a small diary, and ask yourself, three times a day: “What feelings did I feel during the past three hours? What was my feeling when I was on my way to work and the driver walking behind me kept his car right next to my car? And what was my feeling when I stopped at the gas station and the automatic pump did not turn off, and gasoline covered the entire side of the car?” What was my feeling when I went to the office and found that my secretary had been assigned to a special work project in the morning? And what was my feeling when my supervisor at work told me that the project I was working on had to be finished within three days, while I thought I still had two more weeks to go? ?" . Write your feelings in a small notebook with a word or two next to it; To remind you of the event that corresponds to each feeling, the list could look like this: Event: Reckless driver Gas station Not having a secretary Work project that should be finished in three days Feeling: Anger Extreme resentment Frustration Rage and anxiety Do this exercise three times a day, and it will improve. From your awareness of your emotional nature, and using your small notebook, discuss these feelings and events briefly with your life partner whenever you have the opportunity, and in a few weeks, you will feel comfortable expressing your feelings to him, and in the end you will feel comfortable discussing your feelings towards your life partner, your children, and what is happening inside the house, and remember Feelings in and of themselves are not good or bad, they are simply psychological responses to what is happening in life. We ultimately make our decisions based on our feelings and thoughts. When the reckless driver was following you on the highway, these thoughts may have been running through your head: I hope he drives away. He meant a little, or I hoped he would pass me, or if I knew they wouldn't catch me, I would press the accelerator, leaving him in a cloud of smoke, or I should hit the brakes and get the insurance company that insures his car to buy me a new car, or maybe I could I step off to the side of the road and let him pass. Eventually, you make a decision, or the other driver lags behind you, turns around, or passes you, and you get to work safely; In every life event, we have feelings, thoughts, and desires, and in the end, actions come, and we call the expression of this process self-expression. If you choose to learn the dialect of private conversations, this is the learning method to follow.

Personality Types

We have not all lost the connection between us and our feelings, but when it comes to the ability to speak, each of us is affected by our personality, and I have noticed that There are two basic types of personalities: The first I call the “Dead Sea” in the State of Palestine. The River Galilee flows towards the south, passing through the Jordan River, and empties into the Dead Sea. As for the Dead Sea, it does not move anywhere. It receives but does not give, and this type of personality receives many things. Experiences, feelings and thoughts throughout the day. The person with this personality has a large warehouse in which he stores information, and he is very happy when he does not talk about it. If you say to one of the people who belong to this type of personality (Dead Sea): “What’s wrong? Why doesn’t this person talk? Tonight ?" He might answer you by saying: “Nothing. What makes you think there is something?” He is completely honest in his response. He is happy when he is not talking, and he can drive his car from Chicago to Detroit without saying a word and be extremely happy about it. In contrast to this personality, you find the “talkative” personality; For this character, everything that enters through the eye or ear comes out of the mouth, and this rarely takes sixty seconds. He talks about everything his eyes see and everything his ears hear. In fact, if there is no one at home to talk to, he calls. Anyone to talk to him and say to him: “Do you know what I saw? Do you know what I heard?” If he doesn't find anyone on the phone, he talks to himself. Because he does not have a warehouse, and many times a Dead Sea type person marries a talkative personality type, and this happens because during the courtship period, they are both very attracted to each other. If you are a Dead Sea type person and invite a talkative personality type to dinner, you will have a wonderful evening. You have to think, "How am I going to start a conversation with him tonight? How am I going to keep the conversation going?" In fact, you don't have to think at all. All you have to do is shake your head and say, "Ah-ah," and that will be the appropriate expression for the whole evening. And you will come home saying: “What a wonderful person he is!” On the other hand, if you are a talkative type and invite one of the Dead Sea characters to dinner, you will have a wonderful evening as well. Because the Dead Sea characters are the best listening people in the world, so if you gossip for three hours, he will listen to you carefully, and you will go home saying: “What a wonderful person he is,” and both of you will be attracted to each other, but after five years of marriage, the owner The talkative character will wake up one morning and say, “We have been married for five years, and I don’t know him,” and the Dead Sea character will say, “I know her very well, and I hope she will stop gossiping and give me a chance.” The good news is that Dead Sea characters can learn how to talk. A talkative personality can also learn how to listen; We are influenced by our personality, but it does not control us. One way to learn new methods is to set a daily time to share, in which each of you talks about three things that happened to him that day and how he felt about them. I call this process the “simple daily request” for healthy married life. If you start with simple daily requests, within a few weeks or a month you may find that private conversations between you take place easily.

Special Activities

In addition to the basic love language; Devoting time, or giving your partner your full attention, there is another dialect called private activities. In a recent seminar of mine on marriage, I asked a couple to complete the following sentence: “I feel loved by my husband or wife when—” and a nine-year-old husband responded. Twenty years old, and married for eight years, as follows: “I feel loved by my wife when we do some things together, things that I like to do, and she also likes to do, because we talk more, and it somehow makes us feel that we are in the engagement period again, and this was It is the same response of all people who consider the language of devoting time to be their primary language of love. The focus is on togetherness, on doing things together, and giving each other full attention. Private activities include everything you or one of you cares about, and it is not what you do that matters, but what matters. Why do you do it? The goal is for you to try to do something together, and to easily get the feeling of, “He cares about me, and is willing to partner with me to do something I enjoy, and he does it with a positive feeling.” This is love, and for some people, it is love in its strongest form. Tracy was raised on symphonic music. During her childhood, her house was filled with classical music, and her parents would take her at least once a year to attend a symphony concert. In contrast, Larry was raised on folk and Western music, and in fact he never attended a concert once. But the radio was always tuned to popular radio, and Larry called symphonic music elevator music. If he had not married Tracy, he would have lived his entire life without attending a single symphony concert. Before they got married, when he was in the imaginary stage of falling in love, He attended a concert, and even during this special emotional state, he was saying, “Do you call these things music?” After marriage, this was an experience that he did not expect to be repeated, but when he discovered after many years that his wife’s primary love language was devoting time, and that She mainly loves the tone of private activities, and that attending symphony concerts is one of these activities. He chose to go with it with an enthusiastic spirit, and his goal was clear. His goal was not to attend the concert; But in order to express his love for “Tracy”, and to speak her language out loud, and over time, he actually came to appreciate symphonic music, and from time to time he would even enjoy a movement or two, and perhaps he would never become a lover of symphonic music, but he became adept at expressing his love. For Tracy. Special activities might include things like: landscaping the garden, visiting flea markets, buying antiques, listening to music, going out for a walk together, taking a long walk together, or washing the car together on a hot summer day. Heat, and these activities are limited only to your interest and willingness to try new experiences, and the basic elements of special activities are: (1) that at least one of you wants to do it, (2) that the other person is willing to do it, (3) that you both know why you are doing it ; The reason is to express love by being together. One of the side effects of special activities is that they provide you with a memory bank that you can draw from in the following years. How happy is the couple who remembers an early morning walk on the beach, or the spring in which they planted flowers in the garden, or The time they chased; The rabbit among the ivy in the woods, or the night they hit their first big baseball game together, or the first and only time they went skiing together and broke his leg, or the amusement parks, the concerts, the expressions of amazement, the excitement while standing under the waterfall after a two-mile walk, and maybe They can feel a fog as they remember these things. All of these things are memories of love, especially for someone whose primary language is devoting time. Where do we find time for such activities, especially if each of us has work outside the home? We can find time just as we find time for lunch and dinner. Why? Because this is as important to our married life as food is to our health. Is this difficult? Does this require advance planning? Yes, and does this mean that we should stop some of our private activities? Maybe. And does this mean that we can do things that we do not enjoy? Absolutely, and is it worth all this? Without a doubt. And what will I gain from that? The feeling of happiness because you live with a partner who feels loved by you, and making sure that you have learned how to speak his love language fluently. A special word of thanks goes to Bill, and Betty and Jo, who taught me the value of my first love language; Words of encouragement, the second language of love; Devoting time, and now we move to “Chicago” and the third love language. If your partner’s primary love language is devoting time: 1. Take a walk in the old neighborhood where one of you grew up, and ask the other party about his childhood. Ask him: “What are the memories?” Fun in your childhood? Then ask him: “What hurt you the most in your childhood?” 2. Go to the city parking lot, rent two bicycles, and ride them until you feel tired, then sit and watch the ducks, and when you are tired of the ducks quacking, go to the flower garden, and let each of you discover the owner’s favorite color of flowers, and why he prefers them (if bicycles are expensive, then take turns to ride Each other in a small red carriage). 3. In the spring or summer, invite the other party to lunch, meet him at the appointed time and drive the car until you reach the park, place the mattress on the ground, and eat the sandwiches that you brought with you, and “thank fate.” That you are both still alive, and get involved in doing something that you would like to do before you die. 4. Ask your life partner about five things that he would like to enjoy doing with you, and make a plan to do one of them every month for the next five months, and if money is an obstacle Take advantage of the free offers on occasions for which “we cannot afford money.” 5. Ask your wife where she enjoys sitting the most when you talk to her, and the following week, call her one afternoon and say to her: “I want to set up an appointment with you at one of the... This week's evenings, let's sit on the yellow sofa and talk. Which night and time do you prefer? (Don't say "yellow sofa" if her favorite place is the Jacuzzi!) 6. Think of an activity that your partner enjoys, but does not make you very happy; Such as football, symphony concerts, jazz concerts, or falling asleep watching TV; Tell the other party that you are trying to expand your horizons and that you will join him in this activity sometime this month. Set a date and do your best, and ask questions about this activity during your break times. 7. Make a plan to go on vacation; Just the two of you, sometime in the next six months, and make sure you don't have to call the office or turn on the TV every half hour to hear the news. Just focus on relaxing together and doing something that you or one of you enjoys. 8. Set a time each day to be together. Together in some events of the day, when you spend more time watching the news than listening to each other; You will both end up being more interested in news of “wars” than in each other. 9. Set one evening for once every three months and say: “Let’s recall our past.” Set aside an hour to focus on your past, and choose five questions for each of you to answer, such as: ( 1) What is the name of the best and worst teacher you had in school, and why? (2) When did you feel that your parents were proud of you? (3) What is the biggest mistake your mother made? (4) What is the biggest mistake your father made? (5) What do you remember about The religious aspect of your childhood? And every evening, agree on your five questions before you start, and after the five questions are finished, stop and decide on the five questions for the next time. 10. Sit next to the heater (or next to an orange bulb), place the blanket and pillow on the floor, and bring cold drinks. And popcorn, and pretend that the television is broken, and talk about what you used to talk about during the engagement period until the sun rises or something else happens, and if you feel that the floor has become unbearable, go up the stairs, and sleep in your bed, and you will never forget this night. From the book The Five Love Languages